It was January, when she said to me. “I never really loved you, I’m really tired, I don’t care about you, you’re just not good enough. I love someone more than I could ever love you, you are beneath them.”
My great grandmother had just died so we (my living grandmother and I) were in transition, I was in the middle of trying to finish my game before the end of the month, and my lover, my ‘best friend’, had cancelled several plans last minute to do things like go to the pub or put a christmas tree up, or to explain why she’d spend a week in florida with old friends but couldn’t see me for a single day on my birthday, or to justify why I was not her true best friend, why I was abandonable, and it just went on.
This latest row had been in response to my list tackling those things, the type of commentary I was having a hard time with. I’d sent them to her hoping we could tackle the problems. I said I am sure I am just being insecure, but wanted to work through them together. Why I asked, do you always get sick after we ‘make love’, or stand me up, or put me down. The reaction was, I was nothing to her, that I didn’t matter in the grand scheme of her life, I was free to go and love whoever I wished, that she was exhausted and tired and did not have the energy to maintain this relationship, I was not self-maintaining enough. She didn’t want me. And worse she wanted me to believe that this past several years had all been a lie, when did she know she was done with me? When my child was born this past Summer of ’15.
I had given all of myself to her, my heart, my love, my focus, everything, and she was throwing it back at me. She asked why couldn’t we be just friends? What was wrong with that, maybe that she didn’t know how to be a friend, maybe because as she said I didn’t know the difference between a best friend and a lover, or maybe she and most people didn’t know how to be a true friend. I left her with no hateful words, only thoughts of love and processing that pain, and she proceeded by ignoring me for about a week. I counter proceeded by entering a great depression and with that depression I retreated into my heart, I wept, but I did one step more: I quietly both dismissed and accepted this ‘truth’. That I believed we were over, but that I didn’t believe there were never moments that were genuine and true between us, and the steady truth that I would always be there for her unconditionally even if she could not love me back; but that I would need time to heal myself from the events that had happened before I’d let myself see her again.
Retreating To A Spiritual Space
I retreated into my heart. I felt nothing but pain, and yet my knee jerk reaction was to keep on loving. In my pain and sadness, in my need, I knew of only one place to go, one place that I could go to seek refuge. It was the one thing that I had learned over the course of the past 6 years that still remained constant that didn’t fade, that didn’t die, the one place that could feed my heart with love and give me eternal strength without ever growing weary or tired. It was Source, Love, God, Oneness,
Energy. That thing that connects all of us. I removed the middleman, that was her and began focusing my energy on directly connecting myself with this Loving Energy to repair myself, to become so directly connected that I became a conduit of Love, a beacon, a walking place of Love, that I returned Home.
I buried myself so deep into this place of Love, this place of God that the only way to get to me was to go through this Love, this God, this oneness.
I imagined this source, this place of unconditional Love, and I called it Jesus and God and Buddha and a million names. I realized that I loved differently, that my heart was different, and I asked myself why and began writing in a depressive-manic state of coping about this character made in the image of Source, who was sent on earth with one mission and that mission was to Love. He deployed a Raven into the shadow world, and the Raven referred to him as the incarnation, the embodiment of Love, the Love he was channeling, and this entity emphasized that we were all made of Love we simply weren’t allowing it. The Raven refers to him as Jesus, but the entity believes that he is more than the vessel, the conduit, he is pure energy, pure Love, what all this stuff that surrounds us is really made of, underneath it all.
This entity, was the place where I was at, I felt connected to it, I felt one with it. I had gone so deep into the heart of Love that when I looked at her, that woman, and the world around me and all the pain and I saw the shadows, the egos, all interacting, all the sources of wars, but underneath the shadows I saw the real them, the real ‘yous’, the real love underneath it all in all their beauty, and I was connected to each and every one of them. No better, no worse, different and yet the nonduality of being the same all at once.
This voice said to me, that second to attachment and apathy the problem with the world was that not only did we not know how to love, the world was devoid of love, we lack love, we lack caring. It’s not that Love is absent in it, we all have the ability to Love for the most part, we are all connected to love, we are all full of love, we are all made of the same stuff, fully capable, but we don’t allow that Love to shine through, and so we hurt each other, we create in-groups and out-groups, we use the word to poison people against others. We love not with love but the ‘shadows’ of love, the closest we can get to love often comes at the expense of others, shutting the world out, severing our bonds with the world so that we are bonded only to one. We are so disconnected from our most authentic selves, from Love, from everything.
All I had wanted in my relationship with her was to be seen, for my authentic self and loved unconditionally, to be allowed to see her for her most authentic self and to love her anyway, to be that oneness, and she kept saying I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t lovable, I wasn’t valuable. That she would never love me equally or genuinely the way she had people who had been there for 15 -20 years and that she didn’t really care about me now, she couldn’t afford to. This was her shadow, and it was the shadow that disconnected me from all things in the world.
In my heart I retreated to this place that was so bright and beautiful, a place of pure Love, this place where we’re all connected to, where space and time are an illusion, where everything that is happened has happened, where all the possibilities and realities of the world exist. I imagined this love connecting all of us, that this was home, this is what we all are, this flowing of being. And when I was connected in it, the shadow world was just that, the shadow world, a place of form, none of it was real, it was all an illusion. None of that stuff was personal, because underneath it all, we loved.
I realized then that I had tried to bring people to love by entering the shadow world, I thought if I played the game of shadows that I could take people with me on a journey to a place of authentic genuine Love, a refuge, a source of home that does not ask or want or need, or make demands. So fulfilled and connected was it, so willing was it to see the real you beneath the shadows that it didn’t need you to love it, or be anything than what it was. So true was it and so at peace with it, with the knowledge that all would be and already was in a place of love, that this moment of experience didn’t mean much to it.
It didn’t need to convince you or me that the world was love, one day, in this life or the next it would unfold. Afterall when it’s over it all goes back in the box.
We Don’t Know How To Love
You see for years I believed I wasn’t capable of loving, of true, genuine, authentic love; not just that but I was also often criticized for my universal and unconditional concepts of love. Several times people have come into my life and criticized me for pursuing an all-encompassing love that knows no boundaries, that is unconditional, going so far as to tell me that love should be conditional, love should be exclusive, love should meet the insecure needs of past, that love should be jealous, that it is in short supply, and on and on.
This journey in life has taught me that I am more than capable of it, I am Love, and when I wasn’t being Love I wasn’t being true to me. I thought there was something wrong with the Love I did have to offer. And struggled with insecurities that blocked me from loving with the love I felt. Biological, Normal Love was too exclusive, Love was too conditional, it was too needy. Needing you to be a specific set of characteristics are you weren’t worth Love. Needing you to fit an image for you to be worthy, to meet their needs. This was not the self-actualizing Love we were made of it was a controlling love. Love that encouraged us to fill roles and be people we weren’t rather than to be just who we are and loved for it.
The Practice Of: Day In And Day Out
I wrote about Love day in and day out in my journal entries in story formats trying to capture the feeling, trying to be that feeling. So much so that if she were to enter my life again I wouldn’t ask her to change or meet my needs or be anything other than what she was. I’d simply challenge myself daily to accept her as the beautiful person that she is, to love her, flaws and all; to love myself flaws and all, to expand beyond myself, beyond ourselves, to expand so greatly that I could love all those who came to me, to expand such that I could love myself by being Love itself.
If I focused my energy that I had spent the past years seeking exclusive love and spent it instead on loving the world and serving the world with that love, as I did on any one individual, what would that look like?
I began looking back on my dreams, dreams I had had for many years on serving people with love, of helping, that I didn’t feel like I could do because the world didn’t want me. And I began to rebuild them again, but this time I didn’t ask myself how, I knew how. I would serve the world with Love. I would be Love, live Love, breathe Love. I would Practice Love so intensely so religiously, Love would be my religion, Love would be my beingness. Love would be me. And I would seed that Love into everything I do, instead of doing things thoughtlessly, I’d do it thoughtfully from a place of Love. I’d be a river of Love itself, and people could drink from my river, and I would look at all people who came to see me as part of myself. The nonduality of being one with me at the source but separate at the same time on the shadow level. I would see the world with a vision of nonduality, of both dark and light and know that it’s the light that connects us all, the love.
Each Day Is A New Chance To Do My Best
In my day to day life I became silent. The greater my love, the more silent I was, a sign that I was grieving. I meditated every morning and every night. I am Love. The sadder I was, the more I wrote: Love, Love, Love. I wrote it a thousand times, I walked it, I breathed it, I cried Love. Even my sadness came from a place of Love rather than a place of anger and jealousy and because of this my interactions with people changed, they became quieter, more accepting, more gentle. I began to look in the mirror and see vessel as beautiful, the voices of the shadows were just that voices. I read the four agreements, and decided not to take the shadow world personally, it wasn’t about me. I came from a place of love and I just did my best. Every day I did my best. And some days were harder than others.
I closed my eyes and every night I allowed myself to symbolically die and to wake up with a new dream every day. Today is a new day, this moment is a new moment. I lived in the moment and I put my entire heart and being into Love. Love and sowing Love would be my life’s work.
A New Journey Begins
If I wanted to receive love I would give love, but more than just give it, I would be that love such that I was always receiving, always giving even in the silence.
There is no greater truth than Love.
I truly believe this.
Love, real love, observes, it asks questions, it is curious, but it does not Judge. It sees you for who you are, it’s unconditional, it doesn’t need, it is self-sustaining, self-illuminating.
My mission is to be so one with Love that I am one with all things, that I am self-sustaining, self-illuminating, that I am a conduit for love, that I am love. If Love is energy, it cannot be created or destroyed, then love is what we are all connected to, and to be oneness with Love itself, to be a conduit a vessel for it, is to be Oneness with all.
Love is a practice, a lifestyle, a way of being. It takes effort, even now I am writing this. Love. Love. Love. I write these words even in the face of people whose shadows look at me and still say I am not lovable, I am not worthy. But I am more than just lovable, I am Love. And every day I do my best to let that love flows through, to unblock and work through all the things that inhibit me from being that, and I hope to share that journey with you and those like you.
To do this other people and what they do aren’t my concern so much as what I do. I must lead the way by being the way, and that way is Love. And I believe that anyone can practice love, be love, to love themselves. And I offer the solutions that have worked for me on my journey.
A Life Of Love, A Life In Love
I value my relationship with the woman in this moment in time as it has manifested itself to me, who tells me I am not valuable. That I am not worthy. Where she treats me unequal, where she holds some people up and others down. I value that it has forced me to see her, really see her beneath the shadow, beneath the words, and in doing so it forces me to see all people who behave out of ignorance and pain and low self-esteem, out of a place in their heart and life that doesn’t come from love but from shadows. It’s forced me to see her and them and even myself truly as we are underneath all of the shadows, to see it in such a way that I can really love them unconditionally regardless of what they present, because I see who they really are, who we really are underneath it all, and these shadows all of that, they’re not the real you, or the real me, they’re things that will just go back in the box when it’s all said and done.
Most importantly I value what it has taught me about myself, my willingness and ability to love. It has helped me glean insights and hidden truths into the world around me. It has been only in the great sadness and adversity, only in the solitude and isolation that I have learned to open my heart to the way of Love, and it is only in this way did I learn how to really and truly Love her and those around me or at the very least begin the process of genuinely committing to the effort of learning to be that which I most want to be: Love itself.
By choosing to see the world and people in it beneath the shadows, to see the energy we all are, to embrace our most authentic selves: energy, light, Love, an eternal flame of Love, a Phoenix of Love, I begin the path of becomingness, of becoming Love, a conduit. It’s the idea that I live Love such that I see love in all that exists around me, that I live a life in love with all that surrounds me, that I become a being of this Love, of allowing myself to be what is our true self, sowing it in all that I do with effort in the beginning, effortlessly over time, Love is my life’s work.
So I offer you my Love, it is my heart, it is my work, and I sow it into all the things I do. I share with you my journey, my struggles and the insights I’ve gleaned, my path, my way is Love. I am Love. And so are you, there is no greater truth than the purity of Love, we just have to learn to let that Love shine through. This is my journey in doing just that. To Love is to serve, to serve is to rule.