This past September has been brutal. Back in August during one of my lows I found peace and awareness. It took up a lot of my time, but when I came out of it I had a renewed sense of purpose and strength and awareness. I created my Karmic Debt Astrology and I began to work on and develop that aspect of my life, and discover the identity I would use to lead this company as the Founder. I wrote up a Bio and many things that I still have to write, and began working on my page.
I set a goal for myself to create a new WordPress Theme before beginning my workshop series. I felt like the initial website was either dated or needed to be expanded, and more of what I’ve been building needed to be shown. But building a website is a lot of work, and it is just me with limited funds. It took me 14 days of September and began to cause severe depression, as it set me back in all my other work trying to perfect my About Me/Portfolio page. I wanted to create an interactive scroll site that showcased my skills and my work, and became completely depressed that it was taking me so long to put it together. It wasn’t that I couldn’t do it it was that I was, and that my weakness “UX Design” was really starting to show. It’s hard to wear all the hats: Writer, Programmer, Web Designer & Developer, and Lead Founder/Developer, Researcher. Each individual aspect was taking up time. Designing a portfolio to impress people was holding me back. So I let it go.
After a low forced me into despair I began to consider suicide. What makes me think that I can save the world? What makes me think I can build this. I don’t think I am doing anything right. I can’t even market and put myself out there on social media. Should I be focusing on my Hero Ads, should I be focus on sharing the vision with people and amassing the funds, and the skilled teams and people to help me? I feel alone. And the truth is I was alone. I needed to organize a team and rally them around this vision. But I also needed to continue working.
So my goal became to make a website that shows AS MUCH information on what I am doing. To Launch our Hero Ads which are a big part of our company, and to continue on with the Workshop and Karmic Debt site AND MORE. To keep building everything but to most importantly build a team and find an experienced Mentor, someone who will listen to me and what I am trying to do and give me guidance.
More recently I encountered great depression. The most recent trigger for this sadness has been my work. I am a high achiever. I love sharing my projects the challenges, the setbacks, and the growth aspects. I love talking to people about it, but it’s come to my attention that because I am so passionate and so brimming with ideas and plans that I need to reach out to a Mentor who can help guide me in these charted waters. Part of my depression was signaling how overwhelmed I was managing and doing it all alone.
I am currently building (from scratch) an interactive website or it was initially going to be interactive I don’t know if it will now with a roadmap that is meant to reveal everything I am doing and that I plan to share with anyone who has expressed interest or who may have some interest in it. The type of games I make are meant to be free, and they are meant to help people discover who they are underneath it all, Research & Development, to explore actions and consequences, and to discover themselves by letting go of all they are not. I am very excited about building this. These games also lead into a pay it forward game/economy that I’m building based on blockchain technology (though whether it will use blockchain or not remains to be unknown, all blockchain is is a ledger, do we need to use that type of ledger?). I am truly excited. The whole purpose of what I’m building is to bring out the Heroes in our real world. A Call to Action to the Hero in each of us, that will encourage us to be the change we want to see. That’s where my ARG comes in. An ARG is somewhat similar to Pokemon Go, by which the world becomes the game around you. What I am building is a way to reward people and non profits and activists and people in the community to fund them while also helping people in our own community. I’ve been joining and traveling different games and different online ecosystems and trying to merge them altogether into a solution to a problem that I see.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
It’s an entire ecosystem and community designed to give to those who need it and to reward the givers, it’s not just a game and book publishing company but a community for the Heroes inside of each and everyone.
My depression has been natural entrepreneur depressions. As an solo entrepreneur and founder laying down the foundations is a lot of work. Steve Jobs once said you have to have passion for what you do because it can get so hard and difficult that any sane person would quit. Combined with my passion I also struggle with bipolar disorder and other comorbid mental illness that can compound the natural ups and downs. Of course there is a spiritual solution to every problem and my depression when triggered can snowball into despair and low self-esteem with words like I can’t do this alone, and how stupid was I to think that I had it in me to do this, and on and on. But after the advice of a very good friend of mine, I’ve decided that I am going to find and reach out to a Mentor. I’ve created a list of possible Mentors, kind of like a list of colleges, with my most wanted Mentor at the top, the ideal and so on down the list.
I really believe that games and books and stories can make a difference, that we can save the world one person at a time, and I really believe that this path I am building can work. A future where we don’t wait for the president to save us but become the heroes making the difference in our communities our selves. To call out the leaders and give a clear path for the followers. I am so dedicated to this.
Today I am working on my letter to one of my chosen mentors and pulling together all the writing resources I need to present to her, while also preparing to make contact with others on my list, and to continue forward. I don’t know if the Mentor I have initially selected will be available, but I am looking. I’m also focusing on developing a model for bringing together a Team who is as passionate as I am at saving the world.
Some of these documents I have to write and I am working on that. I will spend the next week or so working on doing just that. It’s ok sometimes to say you need help. They say when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I feel like this is it.
This is my dream to do the same and I’ve spent the past decade of my life acquiring the skills and continue to do, to do just that, that’s the past 10 years alone trying to acquire skills, and have been dreaming up since 14. I’m trying to communicate my vision with the world and branch out. This is new territory for me. Help is wanted.