I feel openness. And grateful. I spend my days listening. Listening to others, listening to my mind. I write down what my mind says, and the struggles. Sometimes I ruminate on a thought. A feeling. I watch the thoughts come and go, but I’ve stopped attaching feelings to them.
In the beginning sitting with my thoughts and myself brought me distress. I nearly committed suicide the feelings I had to sit with were so
intense. But soon I gave in. I examined the pain, analyzed it. In the same way I analyze the thoughts. I’m largely an observer. My mind would wander during meditation into pain, and I would have tears pouring down my cheeks.
Later when meditating my mind would wander to thoughts, that would trigger an emotion. I’d follow the breath, the thought would wander. I’d give up on bringing it back, sometimes with complete frustration, like picking up a puppy and bringing it back, watching it wander off and bringing it back. Now in meditation, and in daily life I simply watch. I simply notice. I don’t cling to the thoughts I just listen.
When the thoughts come I can analyze the limited beliefs they carry, and then I can relinquish them one by one and reconnect to my higher self. Now I just watch the puppy, my mind. When I meditate I tell it Stay, and I watch it when it doesn’t listen, when it does, when it wanders off, when it pees on the carpet and makes a mess of things. When it runs off and away, and I watch it repeatedly do this, but I also notice it staying longer and longer. Training my mind is a process of starting over and over again.
I remember once I would beat the puppy of my mind for not listening. “I told you to stay!”
I’d give myself compassion in those moments. Now I give myself gentle reminders to be more compassionate with myself, and bit by bit, gradually I unfold such that I can watch my mind wander off, and gently lead it back.
Awakening is a process. I was reading that you can have a lightbulb go off inside your head, but it takes time to deal with the losses, and integrating it into your life. In that way living with an open heart in a world that’s closed takes time. You have to learn gentle acceptance of others, and yourself.
I am learning that the difference between someone who is Free and someone who is not, isn’t the difference in experiences. It’s just simply how we each experience the same experience, and our willingness to go into the pain rather than to avoid life, experiences and pains, but also our willingness to go into pleasure with awareness without attaching to it.
Another difference is our complete openness to life, changes, and all of what it has in store for us. We are open and connected to people, we are open to the good and bad. We train our hearts to love our friends and enemies with the same openness and heart that we love our children and spouses, we train ourselves to be aware of the connections we share with the whole, we train ourselves to be aware of our wholeness, our connections and interconnections. To walk with our eyes fully open and not closed. We’re willing to work through the limited beliefs that prevent us, and we know that unless a person is truly one of the walking irreparably wounded, that just like the mind the heart can be trained, and we practice it, every day. We practice loving, and we start with where we are.
Open to Life & Experiences
Being open to life and pain and my own pain has led the extremes that I once experienced to simply be experienced and witnessed by me. I don’t attach to them, and they are more mellow. I still experience shyness, sadness, but I just watch. Sometimes I see a flicker of a suicidal thoughts, but it bubbles up to the surface and then comes down. Sometimes I feel a thought, and I gently acknowledge it in passing, a thought like: I miss her. And I’ll reply. I know you do, and it’s OK. And watch the thought pass. Another thought. But I do love her. I know you do, and it’s OK. And watch the thought pass. Sometimes I don’t just acknowledge the thought but I try to show how the thought is limited, and ask a counter question to the thought.
So to I miss her. I reply, she’s still here and always has been. Or I say, if there is a vast, infinite timeless space bigger than you, then it is bigger than her too. Other times my thought is She doesn’t want me anymore. And my mind acknowledges it, and says the same thing as before, but expands it with sending love and energy that is unconditional, connected and whole, so much bigger than all of us and yet one with us at the same time. It practices a love does not cling or grasp or holds too tightly, and yet still holds in its hands the same joy and appreciation and deep inner knowing, perhaps deeper than those who never look within to what they see and only hang around on the surface. I think truthfully I feel more connected and more one to her and the people around me than I have ever felt in this space.
Awe & Appreciation
Lately I simply allow my experiences fully. I feel such deep appreciation that my ex-gf entered into my life and that for the time being whether temporary or not she is still present in some way even if it is no longer in the same way she once was. And while I miss that about her, I also know that she doesn’t have to do or not do, be or not be anything for me to feel what I feel for her, and her being in my life and being my anam cara, and being my mirror, my karmic opposite has taught me a lot. More than anything it teaches me every day how to hold in my heart with acceptance and love, without changing the world that which is opposite of me, contrary. To see it as it is, in this moment and stage of it’s life, and to simply love it, without trying to change it. But to see it, flaws and all and to hold it into my heart as forever and always a part of me.
Looking back on this journal, it’s taken me a long time to stop rejecting her, to stop rejecting life, to stop rejecting myself. What happens when we stop rejecting pain? When we start accepting life and people and experiences and loss and everything into our life, when we become flexible and not rigid, open and not closed, expansive and not limited. When we go beyond ourselves?
We experience peace. Maybe even boredom, neutrality, but even that feeling comes to pass. We feel nothing and everything at the same time and yet like they say: “After enlightenment, the laundry”
At first simply just being drove my mind crazy, I yearned to fill it with noise, but now it’s just still. I am honestly open to life, to people, relationships, experiences. I think even just a week ago I said I was closed, too afraid to get hurt, to afraid to hurt others. But now I’m just open. If the universe wants to move her away and bring someone else in, then I’ll let it. If the universe brings someone into my life and that person brings with it great pain, then I’ll listen. Pain tells me only one thing: That I still have more to learn. And it tells me where I have to learn it.
This is what it means to live gracefully in the river of change. Working with undiscovered feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and letting them be processed, felt thoroughly and to go without holding on. And the beautiful thing about all this is?
My mind and emotions and pains WERE extreme and intense. This means that when someone else goes through a similar process in their life, I won’t stand by helpless. I can understand the pain they are in, I have felt it, I can feel it and hold it within my heart without wavering, and I can gently guide them through the process, and help them as needed, never more than that.
“Death” is literally not just something we experience on the other side, but it happens regularly symbolically in our life. And for those who are having new experiences, and awakening, and going through this. I just feel like if I am strong enough to deal with my own extreme and intense shit, then there are few people I won’t be able to guide through it.
Today I am currently looking for a spiritual master to help guide me through the process of what I am going through. I also plan to finish working on my card game which is in the designing stage. I’ll be printing around tomorrow if I am lucky, but I am just going with the flow here.
I’ve been reading that we all need a spiritual teacher, or a spiritual relationship with someone to help remind us and keep us on track. On our own we simply create reminders, I write little reminders that I am infinite and expansive, timeless, and that this finite body that only understands finite slivers of time is not the whole universe, there is more to me and my thoughts; there is more to us. And that helps reconnect me to source and the universe. It helps get me out of my head and my pain.
Having a teacher and a spiritual community is nice. What I love is that while there aren’t consensus on a lot of things the people waking up share consensus in some things and have written guides to work through the experience that we have often on our own, It seems to be universal.
For now my spiritual teachers are books and videos and reconnecting and meditation.
Suffering is Inevitable,
Freedom is optional
You know when you pay attention to emotions and thoughts, you realize that they come from nowhere. Kind of like how our breath. It all seems to come and arise with some process that isn’t from us, breathing, our heart beating, it’s just something that happens and passes, moment to moment.
Suffering is inevitable in life. Things we love will always go away, and suffering abounds if we attach to it. Freedom isn’t packing up your bags and leaving everyone you know. It’s simply being aware that someday this too will go, and being open to that experience and open to all experiences and people. It’s living with an open heart. It’s the difference between being closed off to life and holding on within a changing world trying to make something constant and rigid and sticking to it. And the difference to simply being open. With compassion. It’s not the right or wrong way to be , it’s just a perspective.
It’s the difference from bearing our suffering like “an ox or soldier under a heavy hold” and the difference of the flow of the wind or river, going through the pain rather than against it. It’s Openness and living from this ‘spiritual’ place (which for me just means working with the limited mind and emotions and making them more expansive and manageable), of wisdom and love simply means that if we are living a genuine path, that we aren’t avoiding difficulties in life or mistakes, but instead experiences these difficulties with an open, compassionate and flexible mind, that’s what awake means. And then bringing those difficulties into our heart so they can be transformed. Setting out to love and be free is simply being willing to confront our own limitations and then set ourselves free from those limited systems, because only in doing so can we see the world with true clarity, and wisdom. This is naturally going to be a perception change, and it naturally can only happen if we’re open to seeing.
That’s all freedom and love and being open means. The willingness to open our eyes and face the world as it really is, and not as we or our minds have coloured it to be. We see with openness our thoughts, our emotions, beliefs, confusions, our weaknesses, strengths, and we go through them, examine them, feel them. We face the pain and loneliness that comes with them, the beliefs that come with them, and we go even beyond that too.
All mistakes, difficulties, and changes, in life are, are opportunities, to learn and grow and evolve and expand. Life is a succession of these such things, and everyone will learn it at their own pace. Everyone gets to this point at their own pace. It took billions of years for multicellular organisms to become ‘this’ today, and it might take a billion more in the expansion of time, but everything meant to be done will be done in a world that is truly infinite and timeless beyond our mind. In that way everything is OK, and everyone is OK. And I am OK too.
People will be saved, people will be alright, it just won’t be on my time. It won’t be when I decide. It’ll be on their own time, when they decide when they’ve learned everything they can or want to learn from this life or the next, whenever they feel like it. And I will be apart of that purely by the fact that I am connected to everyone and everything even when I die and so I don’t need to experience it directly from this limited body and mind. It’s just something that happens, and when you’re connected to everything all the experiences are within you, and that’s the end of this post.
Freedom & Love
The depth of my love is a resource that knows no bounds.
I commonly talk about Freedom without actually understanding what it means. This word liberation. Freedom, openness and love don’t mean rebels, and law-breakers, and willfullness and dominance. It in exact contrast to that. It really just means, the openness and freedom to go beyond our limited minds, and beliefs, to be flexible, malleable and not rigid. To challenge ourselves, our limited beliefs and thoughts, and to experience life and change, pains and joys, and people with openness, knowing, love and non-attachment, without holding others down, loving each other enough to let each person be free to think their own thoughts, be their own person, to evolve and grow, and so forth. We really don’t know how to truly love if we never learn how to love ourselves and to reflect that love and allowance back on others.
It’s like: If you need someone else in order for you to feel love, and that person needs you to feel that love, and there is no love without the other–then the paradox is, there was never any love to begin with. But if you can be whole and love yourself on your own; and vice versa, then such a love is true and pure, open and free, naturally. But we don’t know or allow that love, we enable each other, because we’re conditioned and afraid of what we see underneath it all.
People won’t love us, and without the love of people we’re nothing. But if we learn to love ourselves on our own, without limitation, with clarity and freedom, then we can love the people we meet and see and show them that through our beingness, and they can reflect them. Taking the drugs from the drug abuser hurts, giving him the drugs because it will hurt if he’s off them is enabling him. But it hurts a person more to be doing drugs. Even if they say, it’s not hurting anyone to be on the drugs, and it feels good for me! Interventions never work unless the person wants to be helped, so sometimes you remove the drug they say fuck you and go somewhere else to get it.
But if they want help, and you refuse to give it to them. Then you can compassionately guide him through the pain of letting go of the drugs, and teaching them to experience the world and life without them–that’s Love, and that’s what I have meant when I said: I want to save people. There is life beyond chemical dependency.
I want(ed) to show them that there doesn’t need to be a middleman, that they can generate their own Love, and that it doesn’t make the love we have less, it makes it more meaningful, more beautiful, more fulfilling. But my job isn’t to convince people of that, it’s to convince myself, and then it’s to live that way for myself, and guide people who are ready.
Spirituality is just some fancy word to say freedom from our emotional and mental and biological limitations, and structures, and facing up to what all that means. That’s all.
Today I feel open and free to experience life and experiences. And that feels pretty good. I want the world to feel this feeling like someone wanting to share good food; but everyone and thing in their own good time. It’s enough that I feel it, and so I just sit in that experience.