Things have changed in my life these past few months. I’ve felt my heart and soul evolving, expanding. I’ve felt this expansion for a while, this loving more being angry less. I manage my mind and heart better, and though I still go through the lows I just go with the flow of them. I’m reaching a place of equilibrium and balance, even in the sadness.
I feel my interpersonal relationships are doing great. My growing and adapting perspectives on life have made people who I once considered intolerable and hurtful in my life to actually be quite pleasant, enjoyable. I am now open to all that they have to teach me and no longer take so many things personal. For the most part it’s not personal.
Today I reflected on the pain of those suffering all over the world, refugees in Syria, violence in Mexico, Africa’s genocide and more. My heart is hurting and my depression I am learning is fueled in direct relation to the pain of the world.
One of my greatest reasons for sadness has always been less about my inner pain and more about the pain in the world. The world is at war with itself and I feel it in my heart, I’ve always felt it. For as long as I can remember. People used to say I keep getting down on myself because I can’t save them. If we’re walking on a beach and I’m throwing starfish back into the water, I’m depressed because I couldn’t save them all. But turns out, I don’t have to reach the moon. We just each have to be our own light and that light has an effect on people, one after the other, it’s contagious. The more light you have, the more light others absorb. Some light’s are ahead of their time, but I truly believe we’re in an era where more and more people are waking up. You see it in the 50/50 splits, where youth want to break down borders vs. other generations that might want to build them. You see people changing, and change makes people afraid, and it’s that fear and sadness that’d driving people to close their doors. But only a disaster that ended in the destruction of all humanity could stop us from connecting with each other .
I want to show people it’s possible. Working so hard every single day to show people there’s hope. To show myself and little fig that there’s hope. Even with my dying breath I’ll still be trying to build and implement a plan that will save the world or damn well come close.
On a spiritual level I have recently let go of all organized religions and have stepped down from Buddhism. I spent this past month trying to fulfill my dream of deepening my practice, joining a Sangha and going from self-ordained to fully ordained. It was in that search that I came upon the realization that I did not need to be ordained or even need to be recognized as part of any ‘religion’ to be whole and one, and to practice and continue my mission to expand my heart. I need no labels, no acknowledgment for my deeds and I will continue to learn from the greatest teachers around me, life, everyday people. Part of me has wanted a spiritual teacher or guide for some time to let me know if I am on the right path and not speaking dreams that would lead people astray. But I don’t need anyone to give me permission to beat the beat to my own drum, and maybe in trying to seek that permission I lost myself a little. The wrong paths have definitely brought me ‘home’ again, and now I feel more confident than ever.
But with that confidence I’ve made a decision. In the past I have described myself as a spiritual counselor or teacher. I no longer believe this to be true or accurate. I am no one and I have nothing to teach. I am just someone who loves, and pursues loves and wants to take part in the love by allowing it to flow through me. I have no other religion but love, and I continue to be a Guardian of Life.
Here’s to that life.
More to come on projects and developments soon.